Selfish? You Decide.
Call me selfish, I don’t care! Could you imagine being a lottery holder and having the winning numbers and jumping up and down at the thought of having won $640,000,000… Well, I would be over the top with JOY and ELATION!!! And YES, I will admit that I would also be disappointed when I discovered that two other people also won the same money and now we had to split it. I’m sure my disappointment would subside but, I don’t believe the dreams I envisioned would ever leave me. I would still have about $1,000,000 (after taxes) but, do you know how fast I can spend $1,000,000? Pretty damned fast!
Oversimplification/Returning to the More “Familiar”
Okay, so, I spoke to my sister, who is good with money and numbers AND she helped me to see how quickly and easily, I deduce large numbers in my head, to much smaller numbers inadvertently, subconscious even, post taxes (at least 40% which I round up to 50% which allows me to “feel” better when I receive a large than 50% portion. Divide that number by 3 and as you see, I went from $640,000,000 to $320,000,000 to being about $1,000,000. Clearly, I lost some zeros. Certainly, the lottery winners will probably net around $100,000,000.
Hopefully, even this is too conservative a number yet, WHAT A NUMBER! That’s an amount that I could be ecstatic about and Thank God, with all of the media hype and people participating to have a financial “dream” possibly become true! My clearly faulty figure of $1,000,000 is plain and clear to see yet, it took me some doing to get there. This explains that flat, empty feeling of let down that I had for the lottery winners and confirmed, for me, once again, that I tend to over estimate taxes (imagine that) and simplify an enormous number to a more familiar number where $100,000,000 quickly became $1,000,000.) How do your chronic thought patterns or habits of thought become skewed should they be compared to mathematical equations?
Money Well Spent or Shall I Say, “Invested”!
I have six children five still to complete college. Six are daughters and I imagine there will be weddings. I have always wanted to take my entire family (my whole family, extended, (ex) in-laws and all) to an all inclusive tropical paradise vacation! Do you have any idea how expensive it is to travel with an immediate family of 8, coming from a family of 8, and one of my brothers having 7 children and of course, the significant others of each who has one?
Well, after paying off my home and buying a few cars for my children and vacationing, I just don’t think $1,000,000 win will cover my list of expenses or shall I say, dreams? What about opening the Wellness Center I have recently come to dream of and furnishing my dream home that I don’t even live in yet (that probably exists in Kauai or maybe Bali). Yet, this dream home would be a 2nd home because I would also want to have a contiguous United States home on the west coast, hmmm, which state? California (which I love) or Oregon (where “I” currently live)? And of course, this home would need to be furnished according to a fashion that reflects my ideas of beauty. I guess my tastes are expensive! (Or I have no idea of the value of a dollar.)
It’s a good thing I didn’t win this mega million jackpot! I’m far too selfish. I really would have wanted the money all to myself to put my dreams in motion starting with airline tickets for family members to attend my oldest daughters upcoming graduation in May. I would have so much FUN buying cars for my children, new wardrobes and setting college and wedding funds into motion not to mentions housing funds. I would want to spend “my money” on my family, however I wanted to contribute to their dreams coming true! Can you imagine how FUN it would be to already have money in your bank account to “play” hostess to such dreams!
I know that one of mine would also include a home for my mother by the sea. She has always wanted to live by the ocean. She lives in the desert and has a plenty of sand, she just needs the water with all its wonder to complete her majestical life experience! At least, that is a dream that she has often spoken of, that I would like to afford her.
Yes! I would consult experts and probably start a college fund for people coming from households of six or more children. Did you know that families with more than (I think it’s four children) are subjected to Alternative Minimum Tax which increases their taxes? Makes no sense to me. Does it to you?
I guess for me to have been a winner of “this jackpot”, would have felt a little like still having to choose between having it all and deciding what you want most, something like being proposed to and then finding out that your wedding is pre-planned as is the honeymoon and it will televised as a joint adventure with other couples but, not to worry, because your parting gifts will be a “free” honeymoon and a new, furnished home, his and her cars and the beginnings of a college fund for our first born. That would actually be pretty cool (so long as I had say in the decision making processes)! Only thing is, I’m no longer a teenager or young adult with starry eyed dreams willing to allow others to tell me how it will be.
Yes, We Grow and As We Do, Which Habits of Thinking Grown With Us? Which Are So Familiar That It Doesn’t Even Occur to Us to Challenge Them?
I’ve been around the block, so to speak, and there are some blocks that I enjoy walking in more than others. I’m middling in my age and I have flipped and flopped my support structures and belief systems and I’m ready to be more vocal and discerning about my beliefs, desires, opinions and options in life. I’m now divorced (a bold, daring and risky decision for me according to some maybe…) yet, what’s riskier? Believing in a God who loves you unconditionally beyond the error of your worst way (whatever that may be) or believing in a God that condemns, damns and judges you and others into hell for eternity without the possibility of relief for basically, not being HIM?
As much as I have grown and changed over the years, it simply “feels” more like becoming more me. When I look back at how fearful I was of God and what other people thought about me, life, death and living, I’ve come a long way! And, as part of my reckoning, I’m proud to say, that when I win my winning jackpot lottery or millions in a windfall of money coming to me, I will proudly stand upon my podium saying, “THANK YOU GOD for LOVING ME AS ME!” I finally, know you DO AND I Love You, too! I used to question greatly YOUR LOVE for me. While I’m still curious about YOU, I no longer question you actually loving me. You always were aligning me to my dreams coming true and NOW, I boldly say, “YES” and “Thank you!” How I so appreciate you always showing up prepared with whipped cream, nuts and cherry on top! YES, I WANT IT ALL and I no longer fear that “having it all” will corrupt me and my ability to love you or anyone else!
Easter, A Time of New Birthing… A Season of Spring
This Easter Season has been a “win” for me. I’ve made my peace with God about my past and of my “fearful ideas” of what it means to be loved by God and what it means to love HIM best and give Him, the glory. Thanks to an acquaintance/friend of mine in my Bible study group who finally helped me clarify one of the Bible verses that I feared most, John 12:20-26 means:
Some Greeks who had come to worship at the Passover Feast came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida in Galilee, and asked him, “Sir, we would like to see Jesus.” Philip went and told Andrew, then Andrew and Philip went and told Jesus. Jesus answered them, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in the world will preserve it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there also will my servant be. The Father will honor whoever serves me.”
My “lottery win”, has been laying to rest my “fearful and very “not” good “feelings” about God and His love for me. I was terrified of winning and of receiving any kind of glory that elevated me above another in a way that I thought someone might be envious of. I was terrified to love my life (or another fully) and live as though heaven were upon the earth for fear that this would rival my love for God and that I was forfeiting my eternal salvation along with those I loved. Would I like to have won the “jackpot” millions as proof positive of this transformation that has taken place within me? Hell, YES! That would be “A” okay with me!
Already Being The Winner
Am I upset about not winning this mega millions all time record high win? No, because I have already won! What price can be placed upon a heart that rests in peace that was tortured and in agony about a God who does not really love though you must accept what it is, as though it were love? Have I learned something “new” about myself and my “idea” of winning? YES!
I”ve learned that beneath it all, I’m still very much the same. I’m just more open about my conviction that we are all here with equal access to living heaven as though it is here upon the earth. God does not play favorites, positively or negatively as I was led to believe. He is fair and just. He is not vengeful or vindictive (unless you are) then you will perceive or experience a God who also is.
Maybe I have also discovered that I desire to be the solitary winner of what for me, would equate to being Olympic Gold! I want my win to be more personal and equally phenomenal as being the single largest recipient of such a large jackpot win! That would be my preference as to sharing such a BIG pot with multiple winners because I already am planning on sharing it anyway. Yes, we are each winners yet, now that I am no longer afraid to stand in the Light of BEING a “winner”. I want the stage to myself to share with whomever I choose.
I want to bask in the glow and warmth of my newly found LOVE for God, like that of a lover, who loves me right back! I’m a ONE and ONLY kind of girl. Always have been and I can’t imagine that ever changing about me, it would take an act of God. Yet, isn’t this exactly how God loves each one of us??!!! As though we are each a one and only intimate lover blessed to live within a family or sea of love? I think so. I’ve always “felt” this way and wanted to believe that it was true. I can’t imagine not being this way. It’s simply part of who I am, how I love and what I, cherish and appreciate! Now that for me, is something to be affectionate about…
If this makes me selfish, selfish, I AM, so be it.
What has transpired in or out of your awareness during this Easter Season or Lottery Event?